nessasday

My Laundry Room Scares Me.

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 17:30:07 GMT

It's the last day of summer vacation. I was hoping to finally spend a whole day with my child, enjoying some relaxing time just absorbing who she is, riding a bike somewhere, making gluten-free zucchini bread (now THAT sounds appetizing, right?), feeling my heart thud when her lovely face shines with laughter, frantically trying to cram in all the reading and workbooks that she was supposed to do over the summer in order to seem really really smart tomorrow...and yet...we're busy today. She's at Mimi's, of course; that escape for her to the land of Whatever I Want, the place I'm so ambivalent about. I love that she has such a close relationship with my parents, I do. I appreciate that I get a night off every week. I'm glad that she has a soft place to fall when her mother gets overbearing and demanding. But. I had such plans today...

And, of course, with school starting tomorrow I have exactly ZERO excuses to not get stuff done around here. Now I'll have seven whole hours every day to myself. I have ambitious plans; I'm going to finish painting the house. I'm going to weed the roses. I'm going to fix it so that the front porch doesn't look like the Clampetts live here. I'm going to finish that little book I started four years ago. I'm going to see if I can shed this inner-tube from around my hips. And I'm going to clean out the laundry room. The scary, overflowing laundry room. That will involve ironing. It will also involve getting rid of crap, which right now is the biggest obstacle on my path to serenity. So. Much. Crap. Where did it all come from? Why, from my flibbertygibbet sprees involving buying stuff because it's on sale. From not putting stuff away. From my mom and my mother-in-law being convinced that they don't need to take anything to D.I.; maybe Vanessa will want it.
I've managed to avoid dealing with all this because we've been so busy the last 12 weeks. Now it looks like I have to swallow my fear and that choking, overwhelmed feeling that I don't know where to start, that I'll do it wrong, that I'll get rid of something that I'll then discover we really need, that there's something else I really should be doing instead but am not sure what that is so I'll just get on facebook.

But not today.
I'm going to go get my child.

Home is where the heart is?

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 00:26:16 GMT

But not my daughter. Good lord, so much of my mental energy is consumed by worrying about her, worrying about my job as a mom, being alternately pissed and relieved that she's so in love with the girl next door.
Her best friend: Betty. I like Betty, don't get me wrong. Sweet girl. Quiet, helpful, sweet, dumb as a post and smells like old diapers rubbed in bacon grease. Has a depressed mom whose vagina is a clown-car, a happy-go-lucky dad who just loves kids and is determined to always be one himself. Big, close family. My daughter, the only child, is green with the envy of always being the only child. If Betty isn't available to play, she begs me to call everyone and anyone we know to see if they can play. Betty is the only girl on our street. Grace can hang with the boys and I"m pretty sure most of them have a crush on her, but she's in one of her girly phases now and only wants to play with stuffed animals. And Betty.
Betty.
Betty.
We just got home from 3 days of camping (with Betty along), and G shot right over to Betty's house, my objections be damned, about an hour after we got home.
"But, honey, let her have some time with her family."
"They're playing in the sprinklers! They invited me over!"
"Let's paint our toenails and get a movie for tonight, I want some time with you."
"But Mom, they invited me! I want to go play!"
And how can I say no to a kid who wants to play? But I really wonder if I should be concerned; she has absolutely no ability to play by herself and FREAKS THE FUCK OUT if anyone suggests it. Sigh. It doesn't help her that she's too much like her mom; she has a very loud mouth, is opinionated, wants what she wants when she wants it, needs constant external adulation. I keep telling her to mellow out, hang out, let's just relax. But no. Must go. Must find Betty.
Fine. I'm going to use my quiet time to stalk cute boys on facebook. And have some wine.

Wow. End of summer, already?

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 19:20:03 GMT

But, but, I was just bitching about June! Then July and August blow right by and here school starts next week. Whew. I'm very much looking forward to having my days back to myself. I'm hoping I'll use them more wisely than in the past, but one never knows with me. I'm really, really good at making plans and setting goals, and then...I sit and facebook and read blogs all day. So, I have one more crazy week of getting school supplies for The Girl, figuring out how to get the flooring we want without a second mortgage or upset hubby (I'm pretty sure he's tired of me getting a hair up my ass, making a plan and then not having the cajones to follow through and get it done, which means he has to take over. Again.) and going camping because The Hubby has been off work for two weeks and, dammit, he WILL go camping before he has to go back.
These two weeks have also flown by; I thought for sure that by now the new floor would be in (we're still waiting for various installers to call us back. Is EVERYONE getting new floors right now? Why is it so hard to get someone over here?) and we'd be in the mountains. Nup. He only has 5 more days off. And, Quark love him, I must say it's been good to have him home fixing things but I think I'm ready for him to be back.
Welp, I'm going to go put this keyboard to good use. New Chapter six, anyone?

track and camping and Lagoon, oh my!

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 18:25:53 GMT

CA-RAP, this has been a busy summer. I'm gobsmacked that it's July in two days. I feel like today is the first day that I've been able to just sit here and read blogs and post a "ho-hum, what's happening" blog myself.

Lagoon: we went yesterday for the first time this year. The formerly scared-of-everything-fast-and-furious kid rode three new big rides! And, she's asking when we are going back. This is a good thing. I worry about my daughter. She's such a great kid; funny and clever, a good runner, a good painter, fairly responsible as kids go. But she's so...dependent. She has almost no initiative to do things. She's never been one of those kids who just...does things. Just says "I'm gonna do __________!" and then does it. She needs/wants someone to do things for her, tell her what to do. And God Forbid her best friend next door can't play. Oy, vay!
Sigh.
She's a great kid. I just wish she'd...do stuff.
Luckily we're going camping with other families with girls her age this week. Luckily, she has an enabling mom who signed her up for plenty of random planned activities like track, playgroup, library camp, etc. And who wants to take her swimming and hiking and to museums.
When does school start?
Sigh.

some people's children...

Wed, 27 May 2009 20:48:20 GMT

...and some kids parents. WTH? Why do people have kids if they're going to ignore and neglect them? Cripes, this is a blog for my other blog, really, when I get the balls to offend some people...

Had lunch with my girl at school today. She's so cute and loving when I'm there, it's worth eating mystery-meatballs and rice with soggy corn. And she wonders why I only let her have school lunch once or twice a week. I think she likes it so much cos I ate school lunch every day when I was pregnant. But that was GOOD lunch. The lunchladies took care of me. But I digress. I love that she wants me to come eat with her, even when it throws a wrench into my internally-scheduled day. I was hoping to finally vacuum (don't look at the floor, don't look---ACK!!) and dust (it's bad when someone writes WASH ME in the dust on the coffee table) and maybe finish the laundry. I haven't been home or haven't been able or...you know...facebook. Anyway, I helped in the classroom, took my daily constitutional (remember baby robin on busted street lamp--very cool and somewhat concerning that it let me get so close...), ran to B&N to get a book the hubby tells me yesterday he needs asap (Uh, I was there yesterday morning, I work there on Tuesdays...he always needs something AFTER I've been somewhere...cripes...), the bookseller helping me can't find it in the system and won't let me look on the computer cos she doesn't know I work there, have to leave to have semi-nutritive pseudo-food with my wonderful kid, hubby texts me to say yes, the book DOES TOO exist, so I go back to B&N, sneak into the receiving area and order it my damn self. Then....aw fuck it. I gotta go. suffice it to say there were more almost-fruitless errands and now flute lesson, and, and, and...my floor is still a dog-hair-and-crumb-strewn mess.

I love my life.

This is how stupid I can be

Wed, 27 May 2009 04:21:26 GMT

I unknowingly threw away 2 months of bcps because I didn't realize the prescription was for 3 months. Duh. Hope those samples I got a few years ago are still good. Gawd, just another example of the idiocy of Me.

Feeling better tho, think they're helping the depression. Now hope for the skin. Retinol kicks ass. I no longer care about the middle-aged pimples; my wrinkles are shrinkin'! I'm one hawt cougar, baby! Rawr! If only someone wanted to have sex with me! Now, if they just had a cream for the extra 10 lbs that has parked itself comfortably round my middle...

Gar! Thumb! Note to self: Always--no--NEVER use giant knife to cut small thing. Severing tendon not good in any way, no matter how cute hand surgeon is. He's oblivious anyway.

Going to bed. Reading abt. Michaelangelo carving the David. Sleeeeping and having the joyously oddly intense and weird nictotine-patch dreams and repeating the mantra: "I do not have lung cancer or stomach cancer or liver cancer. I have gas. I do not have lung cancer or stomach cancer or liver cancer. I have gas. I do not..."

Fuck. That took too long to type. Stupid thumb.

G'night.

Hey, look, another blog!

Sat, 16 May 2009 14:40:14 GMT

I needed one. One where my usual audience can't find me, where I can just do the boring daily type journal, but still feel like I'm blogging and therefore fulfill my inner attention-whore's needs.
SO, to catch myself up on my life right now:

~I'm now 15 lbs overweight. It's a crisis. Sort of. Enough to make me feel ashamed of myself, not quite enough to get my ass to the gym.

~I'm having a fairly serious spiritual/emotional crisis too. I hate my daughter sometimes and think about leaving my husband almost daily, even though no one else would have me right now.

~I finished writing the rough draft for an 88K word novel, and can't seem to get the final draft done because I have a sneaking suspicion that I suck.

~I severed a tendon in my thumb, had surgery on it, and typing is now a pain in the ass. So, I'm stopping here. More tomorrow? mmmmK then.